Why Old's Cool?

We believe that sometimes the way things were is better than the way things are. In our opinion, and according to our market research (our grandmother said so), a lifetime of quality is always a bargain, and so hard to find in today’s planned obsolescence world. The attitude seems to be: if it’s broken, or even if it’s not broken but I don’t feel good about it anymore, then chuck it. Seriously, we try to design and create at the highest level of originality and craft, to last a lifetime – and this dedication to excellence forever doesn't come easy or cheap, we're happy to say.

 We try to be a good (corporate) citizen, but have to admit that sometimes aesthetics > ethics. Kidding! Harm watch, harm catch, we always say. BLUF (bottom line up front): beauty, integrity, authenticity, practicality and wit. 

*Free Shipping

As our way of saying thank you very much for all your incredible support over the years, we now offer FREE SHIPPING on all our cool, genius loot for all orders $99+, in the continental U.S. only.

Delivering the goods

Never question the Integrity of the Execution: We do our best to have all of our clobber in stock, and to ship out your order within 24 hours. If we don't, or can't, we'll notify you by email with a completely believable excuse. Seriously, all orders ship either First Class, Media or U.S. Priority mail. We also use UPS Ground.

Do you ship internationally?

Yes, we ship our genius loot overseas, for an additional cost of course, but please be aware that packages sometimes take longer to arrive than you (or we) would like. Patience is a virtue. 

Overseas orders ship U.S. International First Class mail, or, UPS Overseas, or DHL. 

Also N.B. – the UK usually requires VAT.

What is your return policy?

If you're not thrilled with any of our products, at any time, send it back to us, and we'll refund 100% of your purchase price (not including original shipping cost) plus the return shipping cost* – processed within 2 business days after we receive the return.

Just send it back to us, with approval code to:

Old's Cool Company

ATTN: RETURNS

38 Charles Street

Newport, RI 02840

If you need additional assistance, or have any questions about your order or return, you can reach us at: johnnymustard@oldscoolcompany.com or call/text us anytime on (401) 572-7090.

*You must call or email us for an approval code BEFORE you return your item, or the return shipping cost will not be refunded. 

 

The Fine Print

We take your trust seriously, and do everything we can to be deserving of it.

Privacy

We will not sell, rent or abuse any of the personal information you provide us with, either as a subscriber or a customer, and assures you of the security of your credit card information.

When you sign up for our newsletter, we promise not to spam you to death with irrelevant crap — we're only into smarty-pants writing worth reading.

Wholesale

If you're interested in stocking One Up!, or any of our Old's Cool Co. quality products in your store, we'd be delighted to have you on board. Call us on (401) 572-7090, or click here to go to the Wholesale Page directly.

Please note that the shipping cost on all wholesale orders is not included in the wholesale price. 

 

How to meet the Wise Up! Challenges.

Here's how to Indian Arm Wrestle: 

Players stand and face each other about two feet apart. Both players place their right foot in front of them about halfway, lined up with and touching the outside of the other player's right foot. Then both players reach out their right hands and grab the other player's elbow, forearms touching.

On the count of three, each player tries to get the other player push or pull the other so that he/she moves his/her right foot first.

WARNING: ONEUPMANSHIP IS A GAME FOR WINNERS.

We think that ONEUPMANSHIP is a beautifully-designed grownup board game that's not only wicked, cutthroat fun, it's also a cheeky and irreverent lifestyle accessory/wry political statement. The operative word in that last sentence, by the way, is "grownup." Not everyone agrees; in fact a lot of people seem to think it's one of the worst games ever made, and not only do they hate, hate, hate it – they can't imagine "how any human being alive would want to play it."

We're not making this stuff up. ONEUPMANSHIP may be perfect for the right crowd, but it's definitely not for everyone. Are you a 30-40 year old neck beard still living in your mother's basement? Stay away. Love to wear socks with your ethically-sourced sandals? Stay way away. There are other people who probably won't take a shine to it either, like quinoa eaters and do-gooders, but we don't want to stereotype, or impugn anyone's character. Poets, whiners and the faint-of-heart? Pass. Everything is Bush's fault anyway. 

How to Play Oneupmanship.

The mechanics of the game is simple: each player starts out with $5,000, and the first one to reach $100,000 by either investing in the stock market, buying real estate, purchasing "trophies" or betting against the other players wins.

But wait: we added another dimension that takes the game off the board and into the realm of meta-game: "$ Cards" are personal, physical and mental challenges that are really about proving what you are made of as a human being. And they're meant to hurt.

Seriously, we hope you have as much fun playing Oneupmanship as we did making it. 

REMINDER: YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

ONEUPMANSHIP, like life, takes a bit of time to figure out. We like to say the first time you play is just for practice, and the second time is when you can really start to destroy other people's will to live.

Seriously, take a look at the "Cheat Sheet" that came with the game, which we're also posting below. You should be able to get started, and then just learn the rules as you go along. Whatever you do, don't get frustrated and annoyed and start cursing us – read the damn instructions. They're well-written, clear, comprehensive, and have just the right smart-alecky nuance if we do say so ourselves, to not only enlighten and guide, but to entertain too.

We'll show you how to cheat/win.

We made a career out of bending, breaking and laughing out loud at the rules, so who are we to say you can't make up your own when playing our game? Go right ahead. But to get you started on the road to victory, we've put together a "Cheat Sheet" that is essentially a condensed version of the rules, bada bing, bada boom, since some players were intimidated by our big words (and no pictures) instruction booklet.

 

DISCLAIMER

Both ONEUPMANSHIP and One Up! have some playing pieces that are smallish and can be a choking hazard if mistaken for food, or candy, for example, and swallowed. So use some common sense (even if it means acting out of character for a change), especially when playing around very young children, dogs of any description, or friends with oral fixations. Seriously, if you are even reading this "Disclaimer", DO NOT PURCHASE OUR PRODUCTS — they're only recommended for IQs of 120 and higher, we mean ages 13+.

And in case you were wondering, "Bitter Pills" and "Smart Pills" are not some wonder drug in a handy 8-dram vial, but are simply breath mints (for the intelligent), and have no obvious medicinal value/practical use whatsoever. They should always be taken with a grain of salt. They are not sugar (or irony) free, and may have come into contact with nuts. In fact, we know they have. The actual ingredients are: dextrose, modified starch, magnesium stearate, peppermint oil, acesulfame k.

Wooden it be lovely.

The One Up! tiles are made of maple, and Mother Nature doesn't like anything to be uniform, but we try to make sure the tiles are the same enough to be unidentifiable when turned over...

However, if you get one or two tiles that have unique grain or dead-giveaway blemishes, we'll be happy to send you completely unremarkable replacement tile(s) at no cost.

For all you sticklers, here's the official tile count: A – 8, B – 3, C – 2, D – 4, E – 9, F – 4, G – 3, H – 4, I – 5, J – 1, K – 2, L – 4, M –4, N – 5, O – 7, P – 3, Q – 1, R – 5, S – 6, T – 6, U – 4, UPPITY – 1, V – 2, W – 3, X – 1, Y – 3, Z – 1

 Are you looking for the answers?

 We've got 'em all. Not. But The Official Old's Cool Handbook has a bunch of brain teasers, $ Questions, and throwaway trivia. Luckily, we've got most, if not all, the answers to those. Whether they're correct or not is another story.

Page ii: Iron and carbon. Crew, and backstroke.
Page 25: Australia; John Kiley, organist; 160 feet; 96; The Great One; homocide; 0; Van Buren; lunar calendar; synecdoche.
Page 26: Star Wars; Charade; The Searchers; Casablanca; Manhattan.
Page 27: The German
Page 29: July full moon; 17,500; celery, tomato, beet, watercress, parsley, lettuce, spinach, carrots;  various; Banana; groundhog; imaginary; baseball, hockey; bass, polish.
Page 50: Sm(art)ist man in the code wide world.
Page 52: First, Do no harm. The Right To Bear Arms. 3 goals by the same player in the same game in hockey. Death, Famine, War and Conquest. Sweet, sour, salty, spicy, umame. Yes. Greed, wrath, lust, envy, gluttony, pride, sloth. Charity, temperance, justice, courage, faith, hope, prudence.

Size matters

All of our UP-i-tees and polos are standard unisex sizes, and fit accordingly. If you normally wear a size medium, order a medium. Rugby shirts run a bit big: you might want to consider ordering a size down.

Acknowledgements

We grew up old school because we were poor-ish and ignorant, thrown back on our wits and dog-bone hard work for entertainment and money, from day one. The Army taught us everything else, which admittedly wasn't much.

We learned all about oneupmanship in the early '70s from a very good family friend named Dr. Victor Popeo. He was, and is, a wry, self-deprecating and fine man, and knew every cool trick in the book. Our hat's off to you, Doc.

Legal mumbo jumbo

All content on this site, including the typos and cheek, graphics, logos, images, audio clips, video, data, music, software, and other material is owned or licensed property of Old's Cool Company or its suppliers or licensors (unless otherwise stated), and is protected by copyright, trademark, patent, or other proprietary rights. The collection, arrangement, and assembly of all content on the site is the exclusive property of Old's Cool Company and is protected by U.S. and international copyright laws.

Old's Cool Company and its suppliers and licensors expressly reserve all intellectual property rights for all content.

Contact

For any questions or comments regarding our Privacy Policy, Return Policy, Delivery, or Terms and Conditions (or if you just want to say hello), don't hesitate to Messenger us, ring us up on (401) 572-7090, email us at johnnymustard@oldscoolcompany.com or just stop by our worldwide HQ anytime — 38 Charles Street, Newport, RI 02840.