According to market research (and our gut), a lifetime of quality is always a beautiful bargain, and so hard to find in today’s planned-obsolescence world. So we try to design and create at the highest level of quality and craft, to last a lifetime–and this dedication to forever excellence doesn't come cheap, we're happy to say.


Seriously, with heartfelt gratitude for your incredible support over the years, we now offer FREE SHIPPING on our cool, genius loot for all orders* over $99, in the continental U.S. only.

*Does not apply to wholesale orders. 

Guaranteed. Period.

If at any time you're not pleased with your purchase, simply return it for a full refund.

Delivering the goods

Never question the Integrity of the Execution: We do our best to have all of our clobber and hawkage in stock, and to ship out your order within 24 hours. If we don't, or can't, we'll notify you by email with a completely believable excuse.

Seriously, all U.S. orders ship either USPS First Class, Media Mail, USPS Priority mail, or UPS Ground. We also use UPS Ground for all orders to Canada, since USPS packages can't be tracked once they leave the U.S. 

PLEASE NOTE: There is a $25 shipping charge on most orders to our favorite north-of-the-border cousins in Canada. All handbooks shipped in the U.S. go out USPS Media Mail–the Shopify cart does not indicate this option, but defaults to either First Class or Priority Mail. Do not be fooled–your handbooks ship out to all fifty states via Media Mail.

We ship everywhere

Yes, we can ship our wit and quality overseas, for an additional cost of course, but please be aware that packages sometimes take longer to arrive than you (or we) would like. Patience is a virtue. 

Overseas orders ship USPS International First Class mail, or, UPS Overseas, or, if somewhere really remote and off the beaten path, DHL. 

N.B. – We do not guarantee overseas delivery–if you do not receive your package we will refund the full purchase price of your old's cool loot, minus the shipping costs.

If you want us to send your order out a second time, we'll be happy to, but we will re-charge you for the shipping. 

Returns are FREE.* 

If you're not thrilled with any one of our products, at any time, ever, just send it back to us, and we'll refund 100% of your purchase price (not including original shipping cost) and we'll also pay for the return shipping–processed within 2 business days after we receive the return.

Just send it back to us, with approval code to:


38 Charles Street, Newport, RI 02840

If you need additional assistance, or have any questions about your order or return, you can reach us at: or call/text us anytime on (401) 572-7090.

*Continental U.S. only. And you must call, text or email us for an approval code BEFORE you return your item, or the return shipping cost will not be refunded. 


Discounts are one-time and single-use only–they can't be combined with other discounts. Free shipping is U.S. only, unless otherwise specified, and does not apply to wholesale orders. $5 off shipping coupon is valid anywhere in the world, except North Korea and Antarctica.

Size matters

All of our UP-i-tees, polos, and rugbys are standard unisex sizes, and fit accordingly. If you normally wear a size medium, order a medium.

N.B. Since it's way better than an Ivy League diploma, The Official Old's Cool Educations are NOT recommended for anyone without at least a GED, minimum.

One Up! is only advisable for citizens of the world and students of life with IQs >120. Give or take a point or two.


All the answers to life, the universe, and everything.

We made the decision early on with The Official Old's Cool Education I, II, and III to post the answers here on our website, since printed space was limited, and we'd rather jam-pack those handy manuals with knowledge and interestingness rather than make it easy for all of you know-it-alls out there to cheat and gloat.

Seriously, most of the answers can be found on the internet anyway, and nearly everybody has a smart phone handy. Some of the challenges are tricky, and a few questions are almost unanswerable, so we're providing you with everything you need to know below.

Here are all the answers >


If you're interesting in stocking our charming originality in your store, click here.


We will not sell, rent or abuse any of the personal information you provide us with, either as a subscriber or a customer, and assures you of the security of your credit card information.

When you sign up for our newsletter, we promise not to spam you to death with irrelevant crap—we're only into offering smarty-pants writing worth reading, discounts, and specials.

Legal mumbo jumbo

All content on this site, including the typos and cheek, graphics, logos, images, audio clips, video, data, music, software, and other material is owned or licensed property of Old's Cool Company or its suppliers or licensors (unless otherwise stated), and is protected by copyright, trademark, patent, or other proprietary rights. The collection, arrangement, and assembly of all content on the site is the exclusive property of Old's Cool Company and is protected by U.S. and international copyright laws.

Old's Cool Company and its suppliers and licensors expressly reserve all intellectual property rights for all content.

Well bred. Well read. Well said.

Family's always first, taking care of business is second, country third. And death before dishonor, drinks before lunch–always!

We try to be humble learners, hard teachers, while always keeping our word. And a sense of humor. We have never socially-distanced ourselves from anything or anyone that mattered. Never have, never will. And we definitely have trouble mating in captivity, so-to-speak.

A handshake deal is good enough for us, and has been since day one. We obey the law, sometimes barely, even if we find it ridiculous. We dress well as a matter of respect. We're eternally curious, hungry for knowledge, slow to anger, quick to apologize, when necessary, and aren't above launching our self-serving egos into high beautiful orbits–sometimes shameless is more. Seriously, any pipsqueak can roar like a lion on paper–delicacy and finesse require effort and character, man.

Doing well by doing good

 We try to be an admirable (corporate) citizen too, but have to admit that sometimes aesthetics > ethics. Kidding! As we've said many times, we're all about quality, connecting, and community–in fact, what wisdom can you find that's greater than generosity and kindness?

For any questions or comments regarding our Privacy Policy, Return Policy, Delivery, or Terms and Conditions (or if you just want to say hello), don't hesitate to call/text us up on (401) 572-7090, email us at or just stop by our worldwide HQ anytime—38 Charles Street, Newport, RI 02840.

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